by Tommy Gimler
Let’s start with this: Houston’s George Springer will have the best season ever for a stutterer.
You should also expect to see a few of these take place over the next 11 weeks:
5. Neither KatyPerrysBootyHole nor WetButt23 will break the news of a major MLB trade.
That’s right, kids. It wasn’t Jon Heyman, Ken Rosenthal or Buster Olney who broke the news of the Cubs dealing four prospects to the White Sox in exchange for somewhat above average pitcher Jose Quintana. It wasn’t Karl Ravech, Tim Kurkjian or that twat Joel Sherman either. Instead, redditors KatyPerrysBootyHole and WetButt23 already had the scoop last night.
Although, we could totally see Kurkjian surfing through Reddit looking for horse-on-woman clips under the disguise of WetButt23…
4. The Milwaukee Brewers will not win the NL Central.
Of course, if I would have said this before the season, something that obvious would have deserved a punch to the dick, but at 50-41 and with a 5 1/2 game lead over both the Cubs and Cardinals, well, the Brew Crew playing October baseball suddenly seems rather plausible now. However, since 2012, only 60 percent of the teams leading their divisions at the All-Star break have held on to win it after all 162 games had been played.
That doesn’t bode well for teams like Boston, Cleveland and Milwaukee, as their divisions are still tighter than a girl Roman Polanski likes to rape. Last August, the Crew only won 10 of their 30 games. A repeat of that would mean their fans will find themselves eating dick sandwiches instead of delicious Usinger’s brats…
3. A Philadelphia Phillies fan will fall to his death at Citizens Bank Park.
Look, I don’t want to be that guy, but if you’re still going to a Phillies game at this point, you have to be fucking wasted…
2. The biggest trade at the deadline will involve the Detroit Tigers.
At 39-48, the Detroit Tigers are a bigger embarrassment than, well, the city of Detroit. Victor Martinez and Miguel Cabrera aged faster than a president in the White House, the bullpen is a bigger mess than Ray Liotta’s face and Justin Verlander might want to rethink this whole “not plowing Kate Upton on days he pitches” thing because he sucks balls right now.
If Brad Ausmus doesn’t have his $20,000 Grosse Pointe Farms house up for sale yet, he fucking should. It’s going to be another fire sale in Detroit over the next few weeks. Only this time around, it’s not going to be the Chinese gobbling up the best assets…
1. Mike Trout will finish the season with 30 home runs, 20 stolen bases and a batting average higher than Jumbo Diaz’s weight.
And that fucker is tipping the scales at nothing short of 340 pounds.
A jacked-up thumb derailed what was probably going to be another MVP season for Trout, but he still has 70 games left to show the rest of baseball why he’s currently #2 on the list of guys who can plow my sister. We expect him to make a sick push for #1 on that list with a monster second half while still taking home less money from the Angels this year than Josh Hamilton…
Wait, there’s more: Which Athlete’s Wife Is Sporting These Magnificent Boobs?
You have got to see this shit:
